I love it when God does this

A few days ago, I e-mailed a group of friends about what was going on concerning my brother. Monday, Sarah, one of the ladies, responded and included the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. I had been dealing with some issues and that scripture spoke encouragement to me about my situation. It wasn't until latter that night that I caught the true awesomeness of it all. As I was reading the email to my mom, I was reminded of something she had shared with me before he got locked up.

My mom had been at my house babysitting Dylan not too long after she found out that he was going to be going to prison. That night when she told me about it, she shared how God had encouraged her.

She had been sitting at my computer and her eyes fell on one of the message cards I have sitting there . It is a cross with a scripture written on it. The verse, of course, is Jeremiah 29:11! I did not catch it that Sarah had written the very same verse in response to my praise/prayer for my brother as God had used to encourage my mom. She had no idea about the verse with my mother. God never ceases to amaze me. He is so awesome!

Hurting

I knew when I began to pray recently for a specific thing what that meant. I knew what I would have to go through, what I would experience, the pain I would feel. Well here I am....

For awhile now I have been praying that God would help me to be others-minded. That I would focus on what my reaction to them was teaching them rather than focusing on what they were doing to me.

Just recently, I asked God to help me walk in love. I already know that this year (me being 33) is a year of me dying to myself. It has not been easy by any means. I am rather frustrated with the whole aspect of being able to have control over it and then something happening and it seems like I am back to square 1. Sometimes even worse because not only am I back to where I started, but then the struggle is harder due to discouragement, etc.

Anyway, everything revolves around love. Scripture tells us that we can have all kinds on things and yet if we have not love we have nothing (1 Corinthians 13). God is love. The ultimate for me is to walk in love. That is the foundation for everything else. It ALL starts with love, just like Jesus going to the cross for us.

Well, in order to learn to walk in love, one must go through some stuff. The true indication of someone's ability to walk in love is by dealing with people that don't deserve it. It's to have people hurt you, wrong you, abuse you, mistreat you, neglect you, etc and still extend the love of the Father. I WANT THAT! I don't want to get all shut off/shut down when people reject, misuse, neglect, mistreat me, so I have been asking God to help me do that.

IT HURTS! I have had many a thing happen today that is giving (or has given) me the opportunity to react out of my emotion or out of love. The thing is that one of the keys to learning to act out of love, is learning to manage that pain. It's not that the pain isn't there, one must learn how to handle it. Today, and the next few days, are definitely opportunities for growth for me. It's all based on how I handle it. Please help me Lord. I can not do this on my own.

God is amazing

In the middle of September, my mom informed me that my brother's probation officer had classified him as having violating his probation. They were planning on sending him to prison... for 3 1/2 years. I began praying that God's will would be done in his life. He went to court September 24th and took a "pre-dated"blind plea for 3 years. They wanted to take him right away, but he talked them into postponing it till October 15th. The terms were pretty much set, but they gave him 3 weeks before he's actually be sentenced. The anniversary of our dad's death was on September 27th. We had plans to all go out to eat (my mom and us siblings) since it was the 7 year anniversary and we hadn't done it in a few years. My mom was concerned that Teague ( the only boy) wasn't going to be able to be there.

Then on October 15th when Teague got sentenced, my mom saw a familiar face and heard a familiar name get called. It was my ex from over 10 years ago. Upon investigation, I discovered that he was in for robbing a gas station. I felt the Lord prompt me to write him. I am A LOT different now than when I knew him. I wrote to him about the change that God had made in my life since I came to know Him. I told him that I hope he finds the freedom in Christ that I have found. I'm not sure if he received the letter yet due to some circumstances, but I should find out soon.

My mom had told me about something concerning my brother when he was about to and did get locked up. He has spoken about God again including about praying and God answering/blessing him. The cool thing is that on 11/18, I wrote a letter to him and some very deep emotional things came out and I was sure why. I just knew that it was God led and that it needed to be written for whatever reason. Well tonight I got my first letter from him and it was dated, you guessed it, 11/18. He mentioned that he ran into my ex when they got shipped to Stateville for intake. Small world. I guess he told my brother that my mom is cool and he'd appreciate it if she wrote to him. Ha! God works in mysterious ways! He also mentioned some awesome stuff about God including that he has "accepted God back into my life and am now seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time." He also mentioned some other stuff that fits right along with the stuff I was writing him on that day. Wow! God is soooo amazing!

Amazing

God never seizes to amaze me. Whether it be a song, a scripture, a word from a friend, the way that God speaks to me in times of trouble amazes me.

Tonight I was having a VERY rough time with Dylan and I snapped. A minute later, I hear this come from the radio:

Father, let the world just fade away
Let me feel your presence in this place
Lord, I've never been so weary
How I need to know you're near me
Father, let the world just fade away

Till I'm on my knees
Till my heart can sing

He is
He was
He always will be

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is

Father, let your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm the storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

[ Find more Lyrics on www.mp3lyrics.org/hk2h ]
He is
He was
He always will be

He lives
He loves
he's always with me

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
And every tear I shed
Down every road
I'm not alone
No matter where I am

He is
He was
And He always will be

He lives
He loves
he's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Be still, and know
Be still, my soul
He is


The song is "He is" by Mark Schultz and I have grown rather fond of it.

Then shortly after that they read the word of the day; Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I can understand that all too well. I immediately thought of writing it on a note card and having Dylan and I memorize it.

Tonight when I grabbed by Bible to look up the Proverbs verse, there was a blue tab towards the back. I decided to see what was being marked and what I came across made my heart stop. The only thing underlined is Ephesians 3:13 which says "Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory." Wow! Absolutely amazing! My heart literally stopped when I read that. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was undeniable that God was speaking directly to me and He was speaking loud and clear.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately with life and in particular my son's attitude. Earlier in the evening before I snapped I was literally crying out to God asking Him what am I suppose to do with my son. A person can only take so much attitude and I am trying very hard to get him to make better choices for his own sake.

Lately my life has been very overwhelming and I find myself very easily irritated, angered, frustrated, etc. God's prescription to me is to be cheerful or at the very least surround myself with people who are that it may lift me up and, more importantly I think, not to lose heart. In order to do that I must get my eyes off me and my circumstance and keep them on Him.

I wish I knew

My heart is heavy with wonder/concern over the fate of some people I knew growing up. The family consisted of a man, a woman, their 3 little girls and his son from a previous marriage. The man had another son (the boy's brother), but he did not live with them.

Quite a few years ago, when the girls were probably between the ages of 4-8, the woman went to jail for a little while and that was hard on the family. Then 6 years after that, not only did mom go to prison, but dad did too. Their sentences were so long that I am sure they put them up for adoption. The son by then was an adult, but I don't know what happened to him. I found someone on FB that looks like it could be him, but 1) I am not sure it is him and 2) if it is I am not sure he will admit it/acknowledge me. I haven't seen or talked to him since before the stuff happened with his dad. Not sure if I would be a bad reminder since I was "friends" with his dad and step-mom.

I wonder what happened to the three girls too. They had a pretty rough go at it with their biological parents. I hope they found a family that loved them and treated them right. I can't believe that they would be adults by now. That just blows my mind! The last time I seen them would have been about 3 or 4 years before their parents got taken away. It had been awhile since I had seen them last and although the oldest remembered me, the youngest 2 did not.

I would really love to find out what happened to these girls/guy. I hope God helps me find them.

I almost forgot...

Earlier I read the devotional for Proverbs31.org and this is what I commented:

Although Proverbs 31 website is my homepage and I get your e-mails everyday, I don't read it consistently. As a matter of fact, I go more days without reading it than days that I do. Today though, for some reason, I didn't get the email and I noticed it. I went to the website to see if maybe it hadn't been put up yet and it had. I decided while I was there, I would go ahead and read it. Of course, as only God can do, it was what I needed to hear. It spoke to me on multiple levels especially the prayer. I couldn't have written it more perfectly myself.

The prayer is:

Father, Your daughter longs to be with You. Remind me of Your constant presence. May I seize opportunities to enjoy You throughout my day. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

Oh My!

I really wish I could keep up with this more regularly. I think it would prove to be ____ now and ____ down the road. God is good and it is essential to remember what He has done.

It has been a challenging last few days at our house. Dylan's teacher told me awhile ago (can't quite remember when) that he was on a downward spiral; that he was heading into his depressed mode. The impact of his negativity, back talking, arguing, blaming, etc had begun to take it's toll on me. Finally tonight I was really getting to the point where I'd had it. All of a sudden, Dylan had done something and instead of me snapping or yelling at him or even getting upset with him, I had a light bulb moment. Instantly, it occurred to me that Dylan was operating out of depression and I was able to calmly and lovingly talk to him about it. What normally would have ended with me yelling at Dylan and/or sending him to his room and him crying over that, ended with us talking, hugging, and Dylan crying in a healing/healthy way. I have prayed for awhile that God would make me others minded; that He would help me to focus on how my reaction effects the other person instead of focusing on what that person is doing to me. I have also been praying that He would teach me His ways. Tonight, my ability to deal with Dylan in that matter was an answer to those prayers. I was also able to tell Dylan that he needs to give his problems to God rather than lashing out at me.

I can't really explain it any better than that. I know that there are many things that I understand in my head, but it is a whole other ball game when I experience it. That is what happened today and I hope it sticks. Dylan deserves a palm tree with feathers (will explain another day)

Part 2

Well, I guess we'll see how many parts it'll take to get it all written. I only have a certain amount of time and I'm not sure that I'll remember it all in order either.

There has been time after time this past week or so where something would happen and it was a total godincidence. A song would play at just the right time or some other small event would take place.

Well, well, well. It is now November and I am just coming across this. Obviously (or maybe not so obviously) I have NO idea what I was going to write about here. :( Wish I knew

It's been a long time

Wow! I am not quite sure why it has been so long since I last wrote. A funny thing though is that the 3 month day since I last wrote will be the anniversary of my dad's death. It'll have been 7 years. I still miss him very much.

I must take a trip back into time to give some clarification. Growing up I had three "dads." I had a biological father, an adopted dad, and a step dad. To make it as brief as possible...I knew my adopted dad from the time I was 18 months old. He didn't actually adopt me till I was in 3rd grade and then about a year later, they divorced. My mom got back together with her high school sweetheart and he became my step dad. We got along real well for the first few years, but due to some circumstances we had a VERY rough time for quite a few years and I moved out asap. For quite awhile I had nothing to do with him and over time, God began to restore our relationship. God restored our relationship to the point that I started calling him dad for 2 years before he died. He thought the world of me as well. The amazing thing is that God restored my relationship with my biological father as well. He came back into my life about 7 or 8 years ago.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote of course. Some I can remember some I can not (of course, right?). I went on vacation with my dad at the end of July. That was a lot of fun. Dylan stayed with his dad's mom and I got to have a break and have fun for a few days. It was really nice. We went to Branson, Mo which I haven't been to in years and the last time I had gone it wasn't exactly under pleasant terms. I hadn't been to Sliver Dollar City since I was a toddler. I also went back to school at the end of August. I only had 5 classes to complete my degree. I am taking 3 now and will take the last two in the spring and graduate in May. I ended up experiencing an awesome God moment with someone I used to go to school with. I went to the funeral of the guy who was dating my friend and the two of them introduced me to Dylan's dad. He was only 32. Sad. I went to the Brookfield Zoo with a Dylan, a friend, and her stepson for free (well except the gas to drive). I got tickets to the Dino Alive exhibit through a different friend and Twitter. Then when I invited Shelley and Jeramy to go with, I found out that she's a memeber at the zoo. :) It was awesome!

About a week ago was my birthday and God has been tremendously gracious with me. I have seen His hand over and over recently in ways that have just left me in awe. The funny thing is that the reason I was blogging tonight to begin with was to write about that; however, I felt like I needed to update first since it has been so long and now I am tired. I had fallen asleep next to Dylan and then woke up a little while ago. I have to be up in a few hours and I'd really like to spend some time with God before I go back to sleep. I guess I'll have to finish this later. Hopefully, I'll be able to get this. I have a lot to get done right now.

I Just Don't Get It

I probably never will for that matter. Some time ago my son was in a recital because he had been taking drum lessons. When the time came for him to play, he broke down and wouldn't play. A gentleman came up to him afterwards and talked to him. He asked my son if he likes the drum. When I told him that he loves the drums, he asked if we wanted to go to the Drum Corps that comes to North Central College in Naperville. I told him sure and he informed me that the event was June 20th and he leave the tickets at the place that was putting on the recital (which is where his wife worked). Oh no! My sisters graduation party was that day at 4:00. I just hoped that they wouldn't be at the same time. A few weeks later, I called the office about the tickets and they put me through to his wife. I asked her what time the show was and she told me that it started at 7:00. I explained that I wouldn't be able to attend since the 20th is the day of my sister's graduation party. She informed me that it wasn't on the 20th, but the 27th. Awesome! That works.

So on to today...

We have been looking forward to this for awhile now, not even knowing what it really was. We got there and there were ppl everywhere. You could only park on one side of the street and there were cars galore. I didn't realize it is as big as is it. We had to park at least 7 blocks from the event. It was a nice outside though and Dylan and I enjoyed our walk. We managed to find our way to the event by follow the flow of traffic. I had an extra seat and so I gave it to the ticket people to sell if they could since we didn't need it. It appeared to me that a gentleman in line bought that ticket. A few minutes after we sat down, there was a situation where some people didn't have there seats because a couple was not were they belonged. At one point, they attempted to sit in the one seat that was next to me. I told them that someone was sitting there. They went to look for somewhere else to sit. That gentleman never came, so I think maybe he bought a different ticket. But what a Godsend that was.

A few minutes later they announced that there was a storm coming through and we would move to the shelters till it brushed over and then resume. I prayed that the storm would go around us and that ppl would know that it was God's doing. The first act went and they were pretty good. After they were down, the gentleman announced that the storm may just skip us. I told Dylan that I had prayed that the storm would go around us. The next act went and they were HORRIBLE and that's being nice. My biggest complaints about them were that during one of their songs the girls in the flag corps were doing sexual moves (even my son mentioned it to me later) and they had girls that could not do the proper moves (due to be overweight).

Well after that performance, it lightninged so they told us to take shelter. A bunch of ppl left, but a bunch stayed. The ppl a couple of rows behind us stayed. They were wearing Cavalier shirts (the organization that puts the show on and they have a Drum Corps as well), so Dylan and I started talking to them. They told us that as the competition goes on the groups get better and of course the Cavaliers were amazing to watch. Dylan & I got really excited about seeing these guys (all guys and 151 we learned later) perform. A few minutes passed and more lightening. They told us we all had to evacuate to shelter. I texted my friend and asked him to pray that it wouldn't rain where I was.

While we were hanging out waiting for the weather to pass over, Dylan and I got a chance to talk to some of the Cavalier guys and of course that just excited us even more about watching them play. About 40 minutes after we were evacuated it started raining and after about 20 minutes of rain they cancelled the show.

So now Dylan and I had to walk over 7 blocks in the rain with no umbrella, coat or anything, after seeing only two acts and being pumped up about seeing the rest. Neither one of us was very happy.

I know that God is good and that things happen for a reason, but sometimes, make that most of the time, I just don't get it. And the bigger problem isn't that I don't get it, but that I don't know how to handle it. God knew that when those tickets were given to us, it was going to rain and be cancelled. The Bible tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So why did He even give us those tickets to begin with. I struggle with the notion that God is loving and kind and yet it appears that He gave me something good and then it was yanked from me. Either by His doing or His allowing. I feel like He set me up for disappointment. But y? Dylan was so heartbroken that he didn't get to see the rest of the show and quite frankly so was I. I don't even know how to explain it properly. I'm angry that Dylan and I were given what seemed like a blessing, but yet now seems like a bad thing. I just don't get it.

Once Again

Well, God's done it again. Yesterday was Father's Day. I was driving out to my grandparents house to visit them for a little while and give my grandfather a card. On the way, I decided to focus on the best Dad in the universe, Abba Father. I had turned on the radio to focus on the music playing and spend a few moments with Him. A few minutes after I started listening, He did it again. He turned the tables on me. The first song that played was "More Beautiful You"

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake

And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done

Anything to get ahead And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

Learning

God did a wonderful work in my at the end of May. But there is much more work to be done, so I'm embarking on a journey to growing closer to God and to my son. I've been on this journey for a few days now. Tonight, my son is gone to grandma's and so it's just me and God. I have given up the things that seem to satisfy me on this quest to know God more. I say seem because I know that they don't truly; only God can do that. However, there are times when I have craved or desired things of this world more than God and I know it's because of where my heart is. The only way to change that is to seek after Him and that's exactly what I am doing. So tonight, I was feeling a bit empty/lonely/unsatisfied. This was in part due to the fact that I haven't been able to have the things that usually "satisfy" the most. As I laid on my bed thinking about all this, I gained a revelation of what it means to run to Him when you are empty. I couldn't go to the things I normally would go to. I had to not only go to Him and trust Him to fill me. I know in my head that God is greater than anything I could experience on earth. I know that the word says that only He can satisfy our souls. It's been a matter of hungry, desperation, and trust for me to get to the point that I truly learn what that means.

Wow, God!

I sit here absolutely immersed in the love of God . God shows up in the most remarkable ways and half of the time I'm not even expecting it. I have had some pretty amazing conversations with very unlikely people the last couple of days and through those conversations, amazing things have happened.

A little while ago, I was focusing on the love of the Father and trying to do what I need to get done for today (later when I get up). All of a sudden I heard birds singing. This is quit amazing for numerous reasons. First, it was 3:30 in the morning and I don't know that birds normally sing at that time in the a.m. (I went back over to the window around 4:00 and didn't hear them singing anymore). Secondly, I was going to listen to my MP3 player at first when I started to do my list of stuff for tomorrow to help me stay focused on God, but decided that I wanted to wait until I was laying down so I could focus on the song better. Finally, Dylan's window was open. If it had been closed, I wouldn't have heard them. I also could have not been aware of them even being there (tuned them out unintentionally).

Immediately, when I recognized what was taking place, I felt like God was talking to me. Again reminding me of how much He loves me. I walked over to the window and just listened, drinking in the love of the Lord.

As I am writing this, the Lord brought to my memory an incident that occurred earlier today (well actually yesterday now).
This afternoon, my son and I were at the library. I was looking for movies and he was doing his own thing; periodically coming to talk to me. While looking at the movies, I came across an inappropriate one, and another, and another. Every so often, there would be one that was appropriate. That got me thinking/questioning about being able to focus on the good and not bad.

First, I need to back up a second. I often struggle because I see so much crap in this world. The Bible tells us it's only going to get worse. I asked my mom how one does not get overwhelmed or feel weary/hopeless/helpless/depressed/etc. when the world is the way it is. She asked me where my focus is.

Back to today (yesterday). I'm standing there looking at these movies and I'm not liking what I see. I ask God how do I deal with this? My mom's words came to mind: focus on the ones that are appropriate. It also occurred to me as to how it could relate to other things in my life. I can't explain it in words to the same extent that I understood it in my head, but the gist of it was that I could find a appropriate movie and focus on that one until I see another appropriate movie to focus on. It was a matter of choosing to disregard the negative and purposefully choosing to focus on the positive. It's not that they're not both there; it just what I choose to focus on.

This whole thought process occurred in a very short period of time. While this was coming to me I hear someone say "Excuse miss." "Yes" I reply. "Is that your son?" she asked. "Yes." I don't remember exactly what all she said, but the woman went on to tell me what a great kid I have. She explained that she was in line to check something out and he walked up in front of her. Shortly after he turned his head and noticed her standing there, so he asked if she was in line. She told him yes and he apologized and got behind her. She said that he was very observate and that most kids don't even pay attention. She said some more nice things about him and about me as his mother and I said thank you.

I have had many problems with my son and at times have become very discouraged. There have been periods of times where the good times were few and far in between. God was telling me the same thing concerning him. A few minutes later, I went to check out a book and the lady that helped me was praising on him as well. It was great.

The truth of the matter is that our perspective is very important. The way we see things affects our attitude and the way we deal with it. We can almost always find good, no matter how small, and choose to hang on to that. As Brandon Heath says, "Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see everything I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity."

Try Again

Well yesterday I died pretty well to myself and spent the time with God I needed. It was a wonderful morning. As my day wore on, however, and especially when my son got home, my staying on task didn't go too well. Obviously, indicated by the time this is being written, I'm not doing so well tonight.

Part of that is due to cause and effect. I didn't get done what I needed to earlier so it caused me to have to stay up later. Unfortunately, a lot of times our decisions don't just effect one thing, one area, or one person. Usually it is multi-faceted. Yeah, I wonder how good I am going to be at helping my son get ready for school in the morning. 7:30 comes real early when it's already almost 3:00. But from the words of one of my friends, "Dust yourself off and try again." (that's actually lyrics from a song).

We need to set goals so that we have something we're working towards, but we also need to be able to run to Abba Father when we fail. We need to confess our wrongdoings, ask Him to forgive us and help us to do better next time. Then trust that He will.

Wow!

What a morning this has been! I have had a wonderful morning of praying, reading, and worshipping. It has been amazing! God has reminded me of just how much I need Him. I need His wisdom, direction, and leading in all things. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. His thoughts are perfect. Mine are not. His ways are perfect. Mine are not. However, the more I read His word and spend time in His presences, the more my thoughts and my ways will become like His.

Still Pressing On

Well that night I did well with going to bed, but the next night... not so well. Here I am almost 3 weeks later and I still haven't got it down yet. Some days I do better than others but most I don't do so well. "All it takes" is for me to let things go and just go to bed when I need to and yet... I say all it takes sarcastically because although it seems like an easy task, it really isn't. The thing is it's what I NEED to do. I really need to learn to manage my time better (which would also help with the bed time thing).

A big part of managing my time better is setting and keeping boundaries and learning to die to my flesh (which in order to do the first I must do the second). Neither of which are easy to do. Hopefully by the end of the Boundaries study I'll be a lot better at it. The problem is that it's easier when you're going up against someone else rather than yourself. It falls back to dying to yourself: doing what is right in spite of what is _______. You fill in the blank. I'm going to bed. (Probably not really. There's too much I still want to get done. When does it ever end? Oh yeah, when I decide to take action and die well. Lord help!)

Choices

Well here I sit with the same dilemna. I am already late for bed (how this happens every night is beyond me) and I have stuff I'd like to do/get done. Also, it is 11:00 and I am not even ready for bed. I also would like to do some reading before I go to sleep. The main conflict is that my house is a mess and I hate living in it so I want to clean and I also want to watch Biggest Loser that I taped last night. It is very difficult to give up what we want to do (especially if it is fun and I'm soooo curious) to do what is right. Well, tonight I'm choosing the harder path and going to bed. We'll see how well I succeed. I'm pretty good at getting off track.

Also, I hear that every choice done in the right direction makes it that much easier the next time. I'll let ya know tomorrow night.

Revelation

I just love it when God reveals Himself, life, myself to me. He knows how to speak to each one of us if we'll just listen. Many times as I am going throughout my day, He'll use circumstances to help me better understand myself, Him and life. I think that it is good to go back periodically and remind yourself where you've been and what God has done in your life. Sometimes in these blogs, I will do just that. Tonight as I was cleaning, I came across something I had journaled on Aug 4, 2008. I decided to post it...

On August 3, 2008 after an incident with injustice at the church yet again and the problems arising out of that I was driving to go see my sister. As I drove down the street, I noticed a cop from another town in traffic going the other direction. At first, I wondered if I was speeding. Then a thought occurred to me. Even if I was speeding, that cop had no jurisdiction to do anything about it. The only thing he could do was to report it to one who did have authority. This works also with us. There are many things that we see &/or experience that we don't have the authority to do anything about. We need to go to one who does, either leadership or God (depending on what you think). Actually, should probably take it to God and then to leadership if He tells ya to. Now here I sit on Aug 4, 2008 writing these by candlelight. We had a tremendous storm tonight and our power is out. It is now 9:05 p.m. (Thank God for cell phones!) and it has been out since around 7:45 p.m. Anyways, the storm was a wild one. It poured like crazy and the lightning & thunder were boisterous. The interesting thing is that here I lay writing by candlelight and the storm is long since O-V-E-R. It is now pretty calm outside with a little rain and (oops! just heard a rumble) I still bear the effects of it. After the storm, sometimes things have to be undone or are affected altogether (such as the case of a tree being split. can't repair; must remove which means the tree is permanently gone). Our lives are the same in a sense. After a storm of our emotions and attitudes, sometimes things get damaged. Sometimes long after we're done with our fit, someone else is still feeling the consequences of it. The things that can be "undone", take work. Work that could be spent elsewhere. Obviously, the stuff that can't is lost completely. (there's more but I can't find the page. Just the last sentence that trails off).

I get these kinds of revelations periodically and I believe that it helps me to be a better person and to enjoy my life more. I know that by no means will I ever begin to understand even a fraction of The Truth, but every little bit I can gain I appreciate. God is sooooo good!

Here we go already...

I should have been in bed hours ago and yet I am not. In part due to setting this things up. God had spoken to me quite awhile ago about going to bed at a certain time for many reasons. I understand why and agree. Yet I struggle night after night trying to make myself go to bed!

Just recently I started going to a small group that is doing the book "Boundaries." I joined that particular group because I felt that that's where God wanted me although I wasn't quite sure why. I'm definitely no genius when it comes to boundaries, but I'm no dummy either. I knew if He had me in there, there was something He wanted me to get out of it. I had no idea what I was getting into. By the end of the first meeting, God revealed the answer to me.

My probably with boundaries was with myself. I struggle with giving myself boundaries and sticking to them. It's hard being on both sides of the fence at the same time. For instances, I told myself both last night and tonight that I was not going to go to bed late. I really need to be in bed by around 11:00 p.m.. Last night I went to sleep around 2:00 a.m. and "tonight" it's already 4:00 a.m. and I'm doing this (which at this point in time I feel like I need to, but getting to this point not so much). Part of me wants to do what I need to and go to bed and the other (stronger at this time, but not for long) part wants to stay up and do other stuff.

I once heard a teaching that you'll either have the pain of self-discipline or the pain of regret. I have since discovered that since we are usually pain avoidance creatures, we will go with which ever one is less painful. Therefore, until the pain of regret is greater than the pain of self-discipline, we will continue to make poor choices.

One thing I'm kinda confused about though is where God fits in. I know that He helps us to have self-control, but also I feel that our love for Him should also be a factor. Just not exactly sure how at this hour. I'll have a better idea after a good mornings rest.

I know that in order to be the person God created me to be and to be a vessel that He can use, I've GOT to learn self-control. Die well! I also know that it is going to take God to help me because I can't do it on my own.

The Beginning

All I can say at this point is "What have I gotten myself into?" This better be good!