What a Journey

I came across an email I had sent a friend on June 16, 2009. I am amazed by the journey I have been on since then. Wow! What a ride it has been.

The email said "i have had you on my heart since we saw each other. i love you and want so much for you. i just know that God is gong to meet you during you period of fasting."

My reply:

Thank you. I know He will too. It's just in a matter of in what way.

I have STRUGGLED with walking in love and going out on a limb because of past hurts and that is not God's desire for me. I know that He answers prayer that is in line with His will and both of those things are His will for me.

In a nut shell, Dale told me years ago that I was like a clam. Hard on the outside, but soft and beautiful on the inside. You just had to get past the hard part (of course, the hard shell was my protection). When I found my way back to God, He told me His desire was to reverse that. For me to be soft and beautiful on the outside and strong ("hard") in Him on the inside (at the center). God began that work and I know He is faithful to finish it, but I have hit some road blocks along the way.

Candy, it is sooooooo my desire to be able to reach out to people and tell them about our wonderful and awesome Savior without being hurt by their reaction. I want so badly to walk in love and impact people for Him. I want to be a person that can tell someone about Jesus and have them spit on me, tell me I'm a freak, whatever and still see them the same and not run and hid/cry. At this point that's not the case.

Awhile ago I was listening to Rascal Flatts' song "When the sand runs out." The chorus says

I'm gonna stop lookin' back
and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
and make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin' when the
sand runs out

That is soo how I wanna be. I told God I want to be a person that goes out on a limb. But what happens when I fall? Then I get the wind knocked out of me. He told me "Yeah and then you come to me and I'll breathe life back into you. Then you go out and do it again" Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly worked quite that well. Either I haven't run to Him after it or I haven't had the _________ (you fill in the blank) to get back up and do it again. But some day I will. I know that.

God has a wonderful calling on my life and I REFUSE to let the enemy steal that from Him or me. Some days are better than others and we all have our moments. There's times my focus is right on and others I get frustrated and discouraged (that's usually when I have my eyes on this world/my circumstance instead of Him). I am a child of the Most High God. I am a princess and the apple of my daddy's eye. I am an over comer and more than a conqueror. I am the righteousness of Christ, bought with a price. I belong to the One who created me and loves me more than anything. I am loved by God. Not only that, He delights in me. As much as I love Dylan and enjoy him, God does so with me on a much grander scale. There's is nothing that is too big for God and I know that with Him on my side who can be against me? I know that Jesus didn't die for me to just make it to heaven, but that He desires that I enjoy life and have it to the full. He didn't die for me to be depressed, angry, or muddle through, but to experience all "this life" has to offer.

But like I said earlier, what the mind knows matters not to the heart. I know all these things and believe them whole heartedly. It's a matter of receiving/living it though. That's going to TOTALLY take God to do that. They say that the longest distance is the distance between your head and your heart. I have battled this for years because of my intellect and my self-preservation. He started a good work a few weeks ago with my heart through a couple people I know. Now what I going through now with the fast is a continuation of that journey. I just gotta trust Him and hang on!

God Bless,
Genetta

I can't even begin to describe the emotion I feel as I read this email. The understanding that I know possess is just mind boggling to me. I am still a work in progress (as I always will be until Christ returns) but I have come so, so far from where I was when I wrote this. I understand a whole lot better about the things I wrote about and a whole lot more about being able to walk in them. Thank you Jesus!