I Just Don't Get It

I probably never will for that matter. Some time ago my son was in a recital because he had been taking drum lessons. When the time came for him to play, he broke down and wouldn't play. A gentleman came up to him afterwards and talked to him. He asked my son if he likes the drum. When I told him that he loves the drums, he asked if we wanted to go to the Drum Corps that comes to North Central College in Naperville. I told him sure and he informed me that the event was June 20th and he leave the tickets at the place that was putting on the recital (which is where his wife worked). Oh no! My sisters graduation party was that day at 4:00. I just hoped that they wouldn't be at the same time. A few weeks later, I called the office about the tickets and they put me through to his wife. I asked her what time the show was and she told me that it started at 7:00. I explained that I wouldn't be able to attend since the 20th is the day of my sister's graduation party. She informed me that it wasn't on the 20th, but the 27th. Awesome! That works.

So on to today...

We have been looking forward to this for awhile now, not even knowing what it really was. We got there and there were ppl everywhere. You could only park on one side of the street and there were cars galore. I didn't realize it is as big as is it. We had to park at least 7 blocks from the event. It was a nice outside though and Dylan and I enjoyed our walk. We managed to find our way to the event by follow the flow of traffic. I had an extra seat and so I gave it to the ticket people to sell if they could since we didn't need it. It appeared to me that a gentleman in line bought that ticket. A few minutes after we sat down, there was a situation where some people didn't have there seats because a couple was not were they belonged. At one point, they attempted to sit in the one seat that was next to me. I told them that someone was sitting there. They went to look for somewhere else to sit. That gentleman never came, so I think maybe he bought a different ticket. But what a Godsend that was.

A few minutes later they announced that there was a storm coming through and we would move to the shelters till it brushed over and then resume. I prayed that the storm would go around us and that ppl would know that it was God's doing. The first act went and they were pretty good. After they were down, the gentleman announced that the storm may just skip us. I told Dylan that I had prayed that the storm would go around us. The next act went and they were HORRIBLE and that's being nice. My biggest complaints about them were that during one of their songs the girls in the flag corps were doing sexual moves (even my son mentioned it to me later) and they had girls that could not do the proper moves (due to be overweight).

Well after that performance, it lightninged so they told us to take shelter. A bunch of ppl left, but a bunch stayed. The ppl a couple of rows behind us stayed. They were wearing Cavalier shirts (the organization that puts the show on and they have a Drum Corps as well), so Dylan and I started talking to them. They told us that as the competition goes on the groups get better and of course the Cavaliers were amazing to watch. Dylan & I got really excited about seeing these guys (all guys and 151 we learned later) perform. A few minutes passed and more lightening. They told us we all had to evacuate to shelter. I texted my friend and asked him to pray that it wouldn't rain where I was.

While we were hanging out waiting for the weather to pass over, Dylan and I got a chance to talk to some of the Cavalier guys and of course that just excited us even more about watching them play. About 40 minutes after we were evacuated it started raining and after about 20 minutes of rain they cancelled the show.

So now Dylan and I had to walk over 7 blocks in the rain with no umbrella, coat or anything, after seeing only two acts and being pumped up about seeing the rest. Neither one of us was very happy.

I know that God is good and that things happen for a reason, but sometimes, make that most of the time, I just don't get it. And the bigger problem isn't that I don't get it, but that I don't know how to handle it. God knew that when those tickets were given to us, it was going to rain and be cancelled. The Bible tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So why did He even give us those tickets to begin with. I struggle with the notion that God is loving and kind and yet it appears that He gave me something good and then it was yanked from me. Either by His doing or His allowing. I feel like He set me up for disappointment. But y? Dylan was so heartbroken that he didn't get to see the rest of the show and quite frankly so was I. I don't even know how to explain it properly. I'm angry that Dylan and I were given what seemed like a blessing, but yet now seems like a bad thing. I just don't get it.

Once Again

Well, God's done it again. Yesterday was Father's Day. I was driving out to my grandparents house to visit them for a little while and give my grandfather a card. On the way, I decided to focus on the best Dad in the universe, Abba Father. I had turned on the radio to focus on the music playing and spend a few moments with Him. A few minutes after I started listening, He did it again. He turned the tables on me. The first song that played was "More Beautiful You"

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake

And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done

Anything to get ahead And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

Learning

God did a wonderful work in my at the end of May. But there is much more work to be done, so I'm embarking on a journey to growing closer to God and to my son. I've been on this journey for a few days now. Tonight, my son is gone to grandma's and so it's just me and God. I have given up the things that seem to satisfy me on this quest to know God more. I say seem because I know that they don't truly; only God can do that. However, there are times when I have craved or desired things of this world more than God and I know it's because of where my heart is. The only way to change that is to seek after Him and that's exactly what I am doing. So tonight, I was feeling a bit empty/lonely/unsatisfied. This was in part due to the fact that I haven't been able to have the things that usually "satisfy" the most. As I laid on my bed thinking about all this, I gained a revelation of what it means to run to Him when you are empty. I couldn't go to the things I normally would go to. I had to not only go to Him and trust Him to fill me. I know in my head that God is greater than anything I could experience on earth. I know that the word says that only He can satisfy our souls. It's been a matter of hungry, desperation, and trust for me to get to the point that I truly learn what that means.

Wow, God!

I sit here absolutely immersed in the love of God . God shows up in the most remarkable ways and half of the time I'm not even expecting it. I have had some pretty amazing conversations with very unlikely people the last couple of days and through those conversations, amazing things have happened.

A little while ago, I was focusing on the love of the Father and trying to do what I need to get done for today (later when I get up). All of a sudden I heard birds singing. This is quit amazing for numerous reasons. First, it was 3:30 in the morning and I don't know that birds normally sing at that time in the a.m. (I went back over to the window around 4:00 and didn't hear them singing anymore). Secondly, I was going to listen to my MP3 player at first when I started to do my list of stuff for tomorrow to help me stay focused on God, but decided that I wanted to wait until I was laying down so I could focus on the song better. Finally, Dylan's window was open. If it had been closed, I wouldn't have heard them. I also could have not been aware of them even being there (tuned them out unintentionally).

Immediately, when I recognized what was taking place, I felt like God was talking to me. Again reminding me of how much He loves me. I walked over to the window and just listened, drinking in the love of the Lord.

As I am writing this, the Lord brought to my memory an incident that occurred earlier today (well actually yesterday now).
This afternoon, my son and I were at the library. I was looking for movies and he was doing his own thing; periodically coming to talk to me. While looking at the movies, I came across an inappropriate one, and another, and another. Every so often, there would be one that was appropriate. That got me thinking/questioning about being able to focus on the good and not bad.

First, I need to back up a second. I often struggle because I see so much crap in this world. The Bible tells us it's only going to get worse. I asked my mom how one does not get overwhelmed or feel weary/hopeless/helpless/depressed/etc. when the world is the way it is. She asked me where my focus is.

Back to today (yesterday). I'm standing there looking at these movies and I'm not liking what I see. I ask God how do I deal with this? My mom's words came to mind: focus on the ones that are appropriate. It also occurred to me as to how it could relate to other things in my life. I can't explain it in words to the same extent that I understood it in my head, but the gist of it was that I could find a appropriate movie and focus on that one until I see another appropriate movie to focus on. It was a matter of choosing to disregard the negative and purposefully choosing to focus on the positive. It's not that they're not both there; it just what I choose to focus on.

This whole thought process occurred in a very short period of time. While this was coming to me I hear someone say "Excuse miss." "Yes" I reply. "Is that your son?" she asked. "Yes." I don't remember exactly what all she said, but the woman went on to tell me what a great kid I have. She explained that she was in line to check something out and he walked up in front of her. Shortly after he turned his head and noticed her standing there, so he asked if she was in line. She told him yes and he apologized and got behind her. She said that he was very observate and that most kids don't even pay attention. She said some more nice things about him and about me as his mother and I said thank you.

I have had many problems with my son and at times have become very discouraged. There have been periods of times where the good times were few and far in between. God was telling me the same thing concerning him. A few minutes later, I went to check out a book and the lady that helped me was praising on him as well. It was great.

The truth of the matter is that our perspective is very important. The way we see things affects our attitude and the way we deal with it. We can almost always find good, no matter how small, and choose to hang on to that. As Brandon Heath says, "Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see everything I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity."

Try Again

Well yesterday I died pretty well to myself and spent the time with God I needed. It was a wonderful morning. As my day wore on, however, and especially when my son got home, my staying on task didn't go too well. Obviously, indicated by the time this is being written, I'm not doing so well tonight.

Part of that is due to cause and effect. I didn't get done what I needed to earlier so it caused me to have to stay up later. Unfortunately, a lot of times our decisions don't just effect one thing, one area, or one person. Usually it is multi-faceted. Yeah, I wonder how good I am going to be at helping my son get ready for school in the morning. 7:30 comes real early when it's already almost 3:00. But from the words of one of my friends, "Dust yourself off and try again." (that's actually lyrics from a song).

We need to set goals so that we have something we're working towards, but we also need to be able to run to Abba Father when we fail. We need to confess our wrongdoings, ask Him to forgive us and help us to do better next time. Then trust that He will.

Wow!

What a morning this has been! I have had a wonderful morning of praying, reading, and worshipping. It has been amazing! God has reminded me of just how much I need Him. I need His wisdom, direction, and leading in all things. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. His thoughts are perfect. Mine are not. His ways are perfect. Mine are not. However, the more I read His word and spend time in His presences, the more my thoughts and my ways will become like His.

Still Pressing On

Well that night I did well with going to bed, but the next night... not so well. Here I am almost 3 weeks later and I still haven't got it down yet. Some days I do better than others but most I don't do so well. "All it takes" is for me to let things go and just go to bed when I need to and yet... I say all it takes sarcastically because although it seems like an easy task, it really isn't. The thing is it's what I NEED to do. I really need to learn to manage my time better (which would also help with the bed time thing).

A big part of managing my time better is setting and keeping boundaries and learning to die to my flesh (which in order to do the first I must do the second). Neither of which are easy to do. Hopefully by the end of the Boundaries study I'll be a lot better at it. The problem is that it's easier when you're going up against someone else rather than yourself. It falls back to dying to yourself: doing what is right in spite of what is _______. You fill in the blank. I'm going to bed. (Probably not really. There's too much I still want to get done. When does it ever end? Oh yeah, when I decide to take action and die well. Lord help!)